Nigerian mothers are not exactly perfectionists, but they have specific ideas about how they want you to do things. It doesn’t matter if their ideas seem impossible to achieve or if it is not suitable for the child. What matters is that you do things the way they want. Anything outside that, well, you know how it goes.
9 things that can never satisfy a Nigerian mother:
1. How you sweep the floor.
If every Nigerian were to make a soundtrack from every word spoken to them while growing up, “Is that how to sweep?” and “Bend down properly!” will be the chorus.
2. Your prayer life.
This one is a given. You’re never praying enough in the sight of a Nigerian mother. Until she asks you a question and you respond in tongues, you are not spiritual and fire-full enough.
3. The time you sleep and wake up.
To a Nigerian mother, you are always sleeping too late and waking up too late.
4. The time you spend on the phone.
Wait until you have a headache and she tells you, “Why won’t you have a headache? Is phone not too much?” Read that in Yoruba, if you may. And yes, they may not admit it, but Nigerian mothers press their phone too much too.
5. The clothes you choose to buy.
Have you ever gone shopping with your mother and she picks out a cloth for you, only to have you say no? That talk will never end. She will say you don’t know ‘fashion’, as though the Mary Amaka dress she picked out for you was something from last year’s Lagos Fashion Week.
6. Buying things for them.
Have you ever bought something your mother sent you only to be told that you didn’t get it correctly? Next thing you’ll hear is: “I should have gone to buy it myself.” This is one of the reasons I’ll never shop for clothes on my mother’s behalf. The one time I did it, I never heard the end of it. And she liked what I bought o, but for her to open her mouth and say it? God forbid.
7. Your cooking.
You can never cook something that will satisfy a Nigerian mother. There’s always a complaint. The best way to avoid this see finish is to pretend you cannot cook. Burn the food once or twice. Over salt it. Add too much pepper. When they see that you are remarkably talentless, they’ll leave you alone.
8. Your hairstyle.
This one? *deep sigh* The length of your brads, the colour even. And for the guys, if it’s not low cut or gorimapa, then you are wilding. Let’s not even mention hair dye.
9. Your course of study.
I’m doubtful of this one, sha. It’s not every Nigerian mother that wants to be Mama Doctor. But then, try telling a Nigerian mother you want to study Theatre Arts and hear what she’ll say.